Excuse me while I rant for a minute (lets be real. the entire post is a rant, masquerading as contemplation). Its 4:30am on a very very important Saturday morning. Important for me? Not so much. More of an exterior importance. Those things that you hold dear to our heart. The little importance’s that stop us from going crazy. Unless of course your up at 4:30 worrying about how important it is that you be asleep. Its enought to make a woman mad! But I digress….
1) The Seahawks play today. One a SATURDAY! AGAINTS THE SAINTS! and its a mighty big game. One I don’t wish to be falling asleep in my chicken wings during. ( this is minor worry. that thought in your head when you wake from a bad dream, telling you “you only have 90 minutes until you alarm goes off”)
2) My baby sister leaves for Encounter this morning! And even more important she has requested that I be the one to take here there : ) Hence the even greater frustration with the 3:30am wake up. (I can hear the minutes left in what was once my possible rem cycle taunting me)
So now I am wide awake, after already an hour trying to fall back asleep. Why wont my mind shut off?! You cannot tell me the 5 hours of sleep was sufficient, not while I have a head ache and am yawning like a mad man. The common school of thought is this insomniatic behavior stems from some sort of inner struggle. Fuck modern medical thought….Lets consult Joan….
Joan Didion writes:
“I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends.”
Words that I cannot ever seem to get out of my head. Is this what’s happening here? Have I neglected some necessary part of my past in all this change recently? I find this theory as an answer to tonight’s problem disconcerting considering I am the text book definition of over analytical. Or at least I used to be? Am still sometimes? I don’t know, let me analyze it a little (humpf). And yet Joan’s words kept popping into my head as I lay there in silence listening to the clock tick. Have I abandoned my old self while establishing a new one? What part did I throw overboard and conveniently decide to erase from my memory?
Is it the past that’s keeping me awake? Or the present?
“Who is going to make amends?”
Did my worry cause me to wake at 3:30? or am I thinking about worry because I woke up at 3:30? Why is this even something I am thinking about at now 5:30 am? WHY AM I AWAKE RIGHT NOW!!!! I am so tired!
And now I leave to pick up Madison. It’s gunna be quite a day.