Boss Girl In The Making

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 Time to get a little personal. I want to talk about goals tonight. Understanding why we choose to do something is just as important as setting up a plan of attack to reach our goals. Do you have goals right now? Are they to get healthy? To get stronger? To get faster? Stop for a second, you, whoever you are reading this (thanks for reading by the way!) and ask yourself why this is something you want. What is motivating you to reach this goal? Be really truly honest with yourself.

You’ve heard me say it before and I will say it over and over again, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with endometriosis that I truly started focusing on getting healthy. It wasn’t that I thought I was healthy before. It just didn’t matter as much then as it did now. Some people have gone so far as to call me “lucky” for being diagnosed. I have to fight myself from punching these people. But in a way it’s true. My motivation changed when I realized the answer to the pain I had been experiencing MIGHT be partially in my control. After my first surgery, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to take care of my body in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to have another surgery too soon.

Before my surgery I talked options with my doctor. She said there was very little that could be done to help my symptoms, which at this time were becoming largely debilitating. Chronic back and leg pain, mind numbing cramps, ruptured cysts and highly inflamed digestive tracts just to name a few. She said the best option for me post op would be to begin medication which would cause me to start early onset menopause. Yea, Im pretty certain your face looks something like mine did when I first heard that. Imagine being 24 years old in a doctors office being told that is really your only option. We also discussed a hysterectomy. This all seemed way to drastic and of course was not anything to be taken lightly. So I spent the next couple months researching my disease and reading anything I could get my hands on.

Almost everything I found was too confusing or of no help at all. But then I found an article that discussed several women’s success changing their diet. It seemed too simple when compared to menopause and hysterectomy’s. The more and more I read, the more it made sense. While not much is known about what causes the disease, there is no doubt that a large amount of symptoms are affected by fluctuation in hormones. So of course the smart thing to do is balance these hormones as best as possible.

I could go on and on forever about this topic but I’ll cut to the chase. This was the beginning of my focus on nutrition. Looking back now I realize that what I thought was a healthy life was very very very unhealthy. The first thing I cut out was soy, dairy and any meat that was not labeled “hormone free”. This was a huge struggle for me. Let me tell you! I felt like the whole world was against me. I had to change by habits and that was not easy. I felt very alone in my struggle and had no idea if it was really going to work. I was wandering in uncharted territory and I’m a control freak so that didn’t mix well. In time I felt comfortable with these changes and integrated more. By May I decided it was time to do a 30 day clean eating challenge. This was when it all changed.

Now nearly two years later I am shocked by how much my goals have changed. By the things my body can do and how strong I have become. I still have a lot of days I feel discouraged. When I’m not seeing results fast enough or my time hasn’t increased like I want it to. But then I remember where I started and where I’m going and it helps me put things in perspective.

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I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that I was never going to be thin. Ive got big hips and thunder thighs and very broad shoulders. Such a build does not a skinny girl make. But a boss girl. Now that I can be. Have you seem the boss girls. SOOO MUCH MUSCLE! I’m not there yet but I like to think of myself as a boss girl in the making. Not one of those ones posting the slutty skanky pictures but the one fully clothed mid squat with the tight core and thunder thighs that you can see through spandex! That’s my goal. Those girls aren’t skinny, they’re strong. Stronger than a lot of men. And they worked for every ounce of that muscle.

I’ve got some mighty goals right now and they are just for me. I don’t want to be that skinny girl anymore. I want to be strong. Every ounce of muscle lately makes me prouder and prouder. I fought for that. Fought hard. Its rewarding in a way I have never experienced. Its something no one can take from me. No one can tell me it doesn’t exist or alter its significance because its mine. And I love that.

I’ve always carried my weight a little heavier than the rest of my family and in my younger years this was a huge insecurity for me. Now that Im getting older I take pride in my strong athletic body and Im doing everything I can to nourish it properly. I eat and eat and eat. Man do I love to eat. But I eat now to fuel and to help me reach my goals. And knowing what my goals are, is what keeps me focused.

Clean Eating Guide for My Mini Vaca – Portland Here I Come

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I’m not going to lie, I have been super nervous about leaving for this weekend birthday extravaganza. I have finally reached a point where my lifestyle change is habit. I’m comfortable at home/ at work/ at restaurants making wise choices about what I eat and how often I eat and the portion sizes. What if my mini vaca throws me off track? I told the birthday girl for months that I wasn’t sure if I would make it down simply because I didn’t know if I would be ready by now. But now that the day is here I know I am ready. So I thought this might be a good time to write about what I’m doing to make sure I will stay on track. But first I want to talk about why I was so nervous to take this trip.

I havn’t been to Portland since August. If you know me very well, you know that’s quite shocking. It’s been 5 months. The longest I’ve gone since I moved there 8 years ago. The trip itself was full of wonderful moments but was ultimately the catalyst for my return to an unfit life.

When I left for Portland in late July, I felt strong. I was running constantly and eating clean. I had spent those last three months pushing myself to the limit to drop the final few pounds I had gained during my diagnosis/surgery period (which in total amounted to 35 lbs). But truthfully, I was motivated for all the wrong reasons.

I had two back to back weddings in Portland. One was my good friend Katelyn’s and I was in the wedding which meant tons of pictures I wanted to be ready for.The other was the wedding of a good guy friend of mine. This one meant seeing a lot of people I hadn’t seen in awhile all in the same spot. I felt an irrational need to prove I was doing so well. Probably because I had spent the previous two years pining over the loss of the boy I thought I loved and most of them had seen my tears, weight gain and insecurity in full over this time. I felt the need to prove that I was over it. That things were great for me and that I was not only doing okay, I was thriving!

Unfortunately, I wasn’t. It was still hard to see him and I consumed more alcohol than I care to divulge trying to numb the pain. The most unfortunate part is looking back and realizing that my motivation for those previous months always had an ending point. That weekend was my goal and I had achieved it. I looked great! But with the end of that weekend came the end of my motivation. I made excuses for why I could cheat that weekend, drinking what I wanted, eating more than I should and not making time for exercise. By the time I got back, a lot of my cravings that I had worked so hard to banish had reappeared. I didn’t go completely back to my old ways but I slowly kept slipping farther and farther away from the successful point I had reached.

What’s my point here? Make sure that your motivation is not anchored to an ending point or routed in an insecurity that needs greater attention. This is how we relapse. And I say “we” because I am still capable of relapse. Everyday is a battle I fight to make progress towards the lifestyle I want. So that one day, it is not a battle. So that I wont be nervous to leave on vacation or go out to a restaurant where I don’t know the menu.

Alright enough of my cathartic writing. Time to set up a battle plan….

I purposefully got a hotel room that had a fridge so that I could bring items with me. I tried to put together a list of items that were convenient and reached all necessary food groups. For a second I was concerned because I had no meat here (except in the chili). I freaked that I hadn’t thought about protein enough until I remember that I had 5 eggs and Shakeo there. Those two things alone would cover my protein for the next two days haha. Pack what suites you best, just remember that you wont have a lot of accommodations.

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So what do I have here?:

1 Jar of Frozen Homade Chili
1 Jar Frozen Hulk Juice
2 Packets Shakeology
1 Blender Bottle filled with 8 oz Almond Milk (For Shakeo)
5 Hardboiled Eggs
1 Cucumber (Sliced)
1 Cup Chopped Lettace
1 Avacado
3 Fuji Apples
5 Cutie Oranges
Do I plan on eating ALL of this food? Not at all. But personally I find the best way to ward off cheating is by leaving yourself options.
Phew. That’s all folks! Off to Portland I go. Ill check in when I get back and let you know how it went : )

To prove them wrong

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I saw this great pic on Pinterest this morning that said “reasons to be fit: to prove that my genes don’t dictate my body, I do” and I melted.

This is why I work so hard. More often than not, my pride gets the best of me. But at some point after I was diagnosed it started paying off. I was so angry about how “unfair” it was. Angry about what my future could look like and most of all angry about how much time I had already spent in pain and in the dark. I refused to let my disease dictate my life anymore! Fuck my disease, my genes, fuck this raw deal! I’m gunna be healthy, whatever way I can.

Every fit woman you see has a story, a fire under the belt, a deafening voice they couldn’t avoid anymore. This was mine.

18 Days Down…..

Today marks day 18 on my 90 day road with P90x3. 18 days!!! My how time has flown.

I am so grateful for meeting Laurel. This challenge group has inspired me to set new goals! January has been an extremely difficult month for me personally and having this group has kept me sane. There’s something about doing something good for yourself and having the encouragement of others while you do it that shifts the pain of it all. I haven’t felt as alone my struggle to find sanity. lol

So where am I so far? Exactly where I want to be. Seeing amazing results and feeling great. Now, there are days when I fight myself to work out. (omg, Thursday I would have rather jabbed a pencil into my eye than do Agility X) But I do them, 30 MINUTES!!! I have no excuse. I continue to give it all I have and I cant wait to see what’s down the road.